60 days ago, I was given a diagnosis that took my breath away. Everything right then seemed to stop at once, yet was whirling at full speed ahead. I envisioned a clock counting down the minutes and my mind jumped ahead to that final time, of what life would be like for me, my family... I imagined my daughter years older and needing a mother's guidance at that sensitive age. But would I even BE there? If I was, would I even be able to help her? And my darling husband... SO much he would have on his shoulders... SO much left undone to do.
THANK YOU to everyone for reading my story below and please forgive me for not sharing it earlier with you. Also to the few who WERE aware, THANK YOU for your amazing prayers, support and assistance... SO incredibly appreciated!
July 8, 2012 UPDATE NOTE!! Nine months later and with 4 skin procedures completed (2 on my legs, 1 on my chest, 1 on my back), I am SO very happy to say that the last two came back CLEAN from pathology! My legs are healing well, my recent back incision a titch tender still, but I am keeping my chin up and my arms raised in praise! As I know so many of you are also having difficult times, my my words that follow give you comfort... The trials we each are experiencing are really PROOF of God's love for us, of truly being His child. We may not have revealed to us what He is teaching us through them, but be assured, they are for our good and for a much bigger purpose than we can imagine. Count them as joy... he suffered for us far greater than we are suffering. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not forsake you, plans to give you a hope and a future." We will be refined and we WILL come out as gold! August 18, 2012 UPDATE NOTE: Ugh - 6 moles removed, all returned precancerous and two need further excision... but I am not worried, my chin is up, hands are raised and I am feeling confident! March, 2013 Update: ALL CLEAR and my oncologist is a bit miffed, as she was expecting to see something by now... BUT in January 2013, I began a regime of topically misting my body with 77 liquid prehistoric plant derived minerals, taking extra selenium and the 90 Essential Nutrients that humans require daily every day. Things are ceasing as I am giving my body what it needs to fight and I am ALL for that! When you give the body what it needs, it will heal itself and it is doing that very thing. Wahoo! Lots of ♥ to you all!
Tuesday, October 11th, 2011.
My cell phone rang and unknowing of the random number, I cheerfully answered, "Hi, this is Tracy!" The words that followed spoken by my doctor, albeit kind and gentle, were literally breath-taking.
"Stage II malignant melanoma cancer -
you must call this number and get in ASAP - he is the BEST -
Huntsman Cancer Institute..." I was speechless. I felt I was broken. I think to that song by Josh Wilson that I hear on
KLOVE 107.5, called
"Fall Apart". The line,
"I find You when I fall apart," resonates in my mind. Isn't it funny how we run to and plead with God in our deepest difficulties, but kind of coast along with him during the easier times? I was doing nothing at that moment, but holding the phone and trying to remember to breathe.
After having a couple of moles removed from my legs during a check up for Chad and I two weeks prior, the fact that my doctor was personally calling me maybe should have been an obvious indication of something, but we know him well and it just didn't register to me. First of all, the cell phone connection was unusually scratchy, but even so, the words I heard hit me like a ton of bricks. Or
TWO. The third ton hit me when I went and Googled the Stage II melanoma diagnosis:
Life expectancy 5 YEARS.
Initially, I was trying to be strong to block the bricks. For the last few months, I had felt a bit "off", but couldn't just put my finger on it. I was just thinking I was worn down a bit, as I had been really busy working and things. Now my mind was reeling. I hung up the phone and began to check our policies and burial information files. I was somewhat composed, but then when I had to go and freshen up for a few minutes before picking up Zoe from school, I took one look in the mirror at my face, and saw my mother's face within mine. Then I pretty much lost it. I did
NOT want Zoe to be a young motherless daughter as I am. She would be 12 years old in 5 years - that is a
HUGE time change in a little girl's life! And then the tears began to flow all over again.
Melanoma is not the most common cause of skin cancer, but it
IS the most
FATAL. 6 out of 7 deaths from skin cancer are due to melanoma. You can't just "watch and wait", because the waiting could be the fatal straw. Without proper observance of the moles on your skin, they can change very subtly and quickly, and the stages can advance dramatically. The
HARDEST part for me is the constant unknowing if somewhere else on me something is changing. Had Chad's insurance not been changing on October 1st, there would have been absolutely no reason for us to go and get our checkups. I would have not found out anything was even wrong until next spring during my routine annual physical. By that time,
SO much would have changed even more, so I believe it
WAS meant to be that I went in that day and Dr. Vogeler saw what he saw. And why
NOT me? I am nobody special. Cancer doesn't pick and choose, it just
IS.
I called and made an appointment to meet with Dr. Dirk Noyes, Chief of Oncology at the Huntsman Cancer Institute that Dr. Vogeler had referred me to. I was determined to find out all I needed to know before flooring Chad with the news that night, so I spent the day researching.
There is no easy way to tell your sweet best friend of whom you adore and want to grow super old and wrinkly with that you may only have 5 years left. He got off work really late, and I didn't say anything as he was just so drained already. As he lay watching the news in bed, I muffled my sobs into a towel while in a hot shower, allowing the water and my tears to flow for nearly an hour. I waited for him to fall asleep, and then proceeded to try to do the same. I tossed and turned all night... who wouldn't? I was talking/crying/praying to God. And missing my mother.
The next day, I phoned my doctor again to get all the information I needed to really explain it all well to Chad after he came home from work that evening. After he answered, I said, "Okay, Dr. Vogeler, I want to
REALLY get clear on this so I can plan my next steps, future-wise. You said that I have Stage II malignant melanoma, and that I needed more invasive surgery and also..." "
WAIT!", he said. "Tracy, did you think I said Stage II? Oh
NO, I didn't say
THAT! I think you misunderstood me - I said, "
IN SITU" melanoma. "In situ" is Latin for "on the surface"... You are a Stage 0 - the earliest and very best stage... we want to prevent it as soon as possible from going to a Stage I and onward."
My jaw hit the floor and
I released a
HUGE sigh... Holy
WOW!!! A small smile even formed from my lips after so many tears. "I
KNOW you," he said, "and I can only imagine what your entire day and night yesterday must have been like for you to be thinking it was Stage II! I am
SO sorry!" Damn scratchy cell phone connection!
I told Chad my diagnosis that night and the "heart-stopping-misunderstood-medical-term-story". He was stunned, sweet and loving. I could tell it
REALLY took his mind for a ride. We talked for a long time and he kept touching and comforting me. We decided to just keep it primarily between us until the procedure was completed and we knew the final outcome and details, as I didn't want to upset my family - especially my sweet Dad and step mom, who already had so much going on in their corner of the world - and also my network of friends and colleagues with unknown answers. I only told a few people for prayer, support and assistance with Zoe during my appointments for blood work, testing, x-rays, and surgery.
We were eager to get the appointment to meet with the surgeon, Dr. Dirk Noyes, and relieved to have the day finally come. The first words he spoke after our friendly handshake and greeting were right to the point.
"Everything that happened to your skin between birth and age 18, happens to it NOW. ANY sunburns to your skin that you had back THEN, create the situation we see NOW."
I have always
LOVED the sunshine and the beach. Love having a tan. Flashes of me in my youth playing in the sprinklers, lakes, pools and at water parks, life guarding, beach fun, baby oil, major tan lines, sunglasses and soaking in the sun, tanning beds for getting the glow for dances and concerts - it was the "in thing" to look like a tanned video vixen for going to the 80's hair-band concerts, right? - and the handful of sunburns - especially a doozie in Laguna when I was 16... it all came back. I don't recall applying much sunscreen at all... we applied bronzers! The goal back then was to
GET the tan, to have the all-over glow. It was
SO different back then. The commercials were filled with tanned beach babes, not the push of protection. Now, with the thinning ozone and such environmental changes, it has worsened and it is paramount to protect our skin. I was examined from head to toe and
EVERYWHERE in between. Nothing is unseen and rightfully so. My incision areas were examined from where the biopsied moles had been taken, and it was explained to me that they needed to remove the outer margin areas to be sure that they get it all surrounding the area as well as going within my legs too. One surgery on each leg would be done, middle left inner thigh, middle right inner calf. It would go from the simple 3 stitch spot to a 3-5 inch inch incision in each area. {sigh} My pretty legs are not as important than my sweet life. Melanoma can be
ANYWHERE. You can even get it where the sun doesn't shine. The day of my surgery, November 18th, 2011, I found out that a gentleman had had his entire ear removed. I was even more humbled.
The day before, I was poured upon with incredible sweet words of prayer and love by my dear friend, Christina, of whom I felt so moved to call. It was
REALLY hard not to tell but a handful of friends/family, but I just couldn't. Something within me was numb, and unusually so, as I am very social. Maybe
THIS is where God wanted me to meet Him more deeply, to grow in my relationship with Him, to let go and let Him lift me.
SO many of my friends and colleagues were also going through such life trials, that I suppose I thought that by me lifting them up in prayer, it was better than revealing my own needs.
Christina gave me some amazing scriptures and phrases that I was really able to absorb and focus on. "In our biggest weakness, we can
SHINE in it, of Him," and "Prayer isn't so much telling Him what to do, it's
JOINING Him as He is doing it," and to ask God to "
USE me - right in the middle of it." I whole-heartedly
DO hope to
"shine, join and be used" and I trust in His reason for having this occur
TO me is for something
SO much bigger
THAN me.
{at home following surgery}
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." To that I say,
BRING IT, Jesus! However it will be, I am yours and I trust your path for me is good. If I can pay my experience and your light forward to others, whether it is momentary or life-long, I will accept that. I know that by the hands that sculpted me, I am held, and everything is all good and will be just fine.
Thanksgiving came and I was thankful to be healing, taking it day by day, legs almost constantly up, swollen like big loaves of French bread. Our flight of stairs took over 3 minutes to climb at first and I use a step stool to maneuver into bed still. Every day is a new day, some good and some not, but uphill. My experience at the Huntsman Cancer Institute was
AMAZING and I know if there is a return visit, I will be in excellent hands, as I am with my surgeon. His clinic at IMC is also wonderful and every step is taken to ensure comfort. I am doing much better, as we near Christmas, although my right calf continues to build up lymph fluid that must be drained and as the nerves were cut, the lower half of my leg is numb, cold and bothersome. One advantage is I won't feel the pain of a snake bite while camping... haha. Poor joke.
AND... the outer margins of those areas came back clear and
CANCER FREE following the surgery, of which I am
SO very happy! Every 4 months, I will need to be checked, and it will be ongoing for years, so I am wrapping my head around that and keeping my chin up, my heart filled with faith and my hands raised in praise for healing, guidance and above all else, glory to God, as in
ALL things, he really is so good.
In writing this, I wanted to share what I have gone through and will continue to go through, in hopes that others do NOT. To show others the importance of protecting their kids and themselves from having a future situation such as mine. Over 60,000 people a year are diagnosed with melanoma and approximately 48,000 deaths occur from melanoma worldwide. It doesn't pick and choose. It can be prevented with education and application of steps
NOW. Exposure to the sun, measured by the duration (minutes/hours) and degree of intensity (sunburn) is the single most important cause of melanoma, and the incidence of it has risen dramatically from it worldwide over the last 40 years. When you are in the sun, be smart. Stay
OUT of tanning beds/booths (This was something I began at 16 or 17... ugh!) and use self tanners/get spray-on tans - they are so fast and easy and they look great when done right.
Experts think the link between childhood exposure and later melanoma diagnosis exists because most people get their total or majority of exposure to the sun between birth and 18. If children regularly used and reapplied sunscreen of SPF 15+ (preferably40+) consistently during their first 18 years of life, they would cut their lifetime risk of getting melanoma by 78%! That is HUGE!
These last 60 days have been filled with a mixture of emotion, anticipation, anguish and answers. Prayers and praise and good pain meds. I am
SO hopeful and
SO appreciative of the thousands of hearts and lives and smiles that I am blessed to have in my life of family, friends, colleagues and followers of this blog - even of those of whom I have not yet met, but will cross my path.
I am
SO humbled and thankful for your support as my walk in life takes this interesting turn. It really is about the journey and not the destination for me, as I already know
WHERE I will land after my wings have tired, but it is the experience prior to that in where I will
SOAR. It is about what I can bring to this life to mirror the heart, hands and feet of Christ that is my journey.
With love and a grateful heart,
"Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson (hear song and read lyrics) :
http://youtu.be/TKISYTwnn0A
Please read more information about melanoma below :
http://udohnews.blogspot.com/2012/04/worship-your-skin-not-sun.html?m=1
